So, you've probably witnessed what an incoherent storyteller I am, at least where personal issues are concerned. Like at the airport, and in the car after Boiling Crab. I am always forgetting little details and saying things out of chronological order. I forgot to mention that the SECOND time we tried (and failed), I literally CRIED. WHO cries after a failed attempt at sex!? Vicky does. I think you of all people would be most understanding about this though. Let me paint the picture for you: I had been anticipating (and expecting) this for SO long. Everyone was hinting to me very explicitly that this trip would be when it would happen - you, some of my high school friends, Stefan, my mom, Michael's mom, EVERYONE. So when the time finally came, and I was SO CLOSE to achieving this goal of sorts, I felt like I had an audience waiting for me to seal the deal! haha this sounds ridiculous. But yeah, after it was clear that I wasn't getting any action that day, I said to Michael, "I think I'm going to cry." and I DID. And as he was trying to console me, I realized that he had to be pretty disappointed with that day's outcome too. Yet he put aside all of his expectations and tried so hard to convince me it was really okay. That I was a silly crybaby. And at that moment, I thought to myself, "Ya know Vicky, you big blubbering mess, you might really love this guy." This trip changed a lot of things for us. And one of the bigger things is we have acknowledged the L word. I contemplated this issue a lot, comparing our relationship to the typical college relationship (not that I know much about those). I thought it was too soon to even think about 143; we spend more time apart than together, I mean c'mon! But I realized that our circumstances are so different. I really don't have a set of guidelines to abide by. I knew that if I didn't actually feel love for him, saying it would feel wrong. Hearing him say it would make me squirmish. But lo and behold, it all felt natural and right.

I also feel like I've gotten to know Michael SO much better, saw a side of him that I may never have seen in Hong Kong, because he's different in his own element, interacting with his family and old friends. And after really LIVING with him for 20 days straight, seeing him when I wake up, seeing him when I fall asleep, and everything inbetween, little things about him are bound to start bugging me, right? I tend to amplify people's flaws the longer the relationships drag on. I'm also no good at letting go of people's flaws very easily. But at the end of the 20 days, I pretty much had nothing to complain about. THIS IS MAJOR! For my first real relationship, this is a pretty great starting point. Except on my bad days back here in California, I feel vulnerable and too reliant on him for happiness; like, without him I am lonely. Before, I always felt like I was the one in control because he seemed to like me more than I liked him. But that's not true anymore, and it scares me a little. What if I'm one of those people who only feel fully content when I'm in a relationship? I always hated when acquaintances complained about being single, like they couldn't find happiness and wholeness through their own efforts. Oy.

You know, this is the first time these thoughts have left my brain. It feels good to let it out. I'm really not used to blogging and talking about myself so much. I almost feel uncomfortable being this self-involved. So I'll stop here. The floor is yours, darling!